I’ve taken some time out from the social media angle of the business, as in my mind it is messy noise, and fills me with anxiety..!! I have accepted that it will play a huge part in the growth and eventual success of Rowantree Range, but i needed a break from it to regroup and focus on the real stuff, the things that I can shuffle, move, organise and touch..!!
Following on from previous posts, relating to my self doubt, low self esteem and self sabotage, I have had another eureka moment, revealing the root of my problems being my husband’s autistic traits, which I had never clocked and neither had he; in the same way that I had lived my own life, not realising that I was battling ADHD traits every day. The effects on me, from him having these un-noticed, un-addressed Autistic traits have been huge. Me, my voice, my needs and my safe, have all been pushed aside since a few days after we became an item. It appears that once he and I became ‘us’ I lost myself to his linear thinking, his passion for following rules and instructions, his failure to notice anything outside his own blinkered need to achieve and his own goals. This was him, and it was all he knew, it was his normal.
Speed the clock forward, and here i am. Since we met I have fitted myself around my husband and his RAF career, NHS career and latterly and following covid, his short Tesco career, his time as a Baker, and finally his Career at East Anglian Children’s Hospices, all of which he gas thrown himself into 150%. Through all if this he has left nothing in the tank or any time for us at home. I have continually felt the under dog to him and his grandure. I worked for our Family Business from age 18, and that always fitted around him and his career. I waited for him to return from detachment after detachment, after detachment, for month after month after month while he progressed through the RAF. I waited with the children for him to get home, while he worked hours and hours of overtime for other people’s gain. I was begging him for his time, for his attention, asking to be noticed and heard, while bringing up our 4 children, and working up to 4 jobs at any one time to make ends meet. I was never heard, seen, respected or validated by him.. I was invisible to him… and finally he has admitted it, and it has in the main been attributed to his undiagnosed Autistic traits.
So, here I am 💔 with very low energy, excessive self doubt, little to no motivation, ADHD traits of my own which I am slowly noticing and learning to work with, a muddled head beyond anything I have ever felt before, regret, anger, and an overwhelming need to fix everything that has happened in the past..!!🤯🤯🤯
Humpf….
So, what comes next..? How do I move on.? Who am I now..? How does this all affect me..? I am so hurt… My husband admitting to me that I have been invisible to him all these years is crippling me with pain and rage. He says that when, after long periods of bottling up my frustrations, I would eventually speak up and raise my concerns, he would just hear me complaining and see me as a problem, trying to de-rail him and his plans..!! What do I do with this information, where do I go to process this.? The reason for my feelings of not being heard, not important, invalid, a problem, has been uncovered… the smoke has cleared and I can see the metaphirical smoking gun in my husband’s hand… He is not trying to hide it, he is apologising, he is owning it all… but what now….?
The past 35 years have been hell on earth at times for me. Constant self doubt, second guessing myself, always thinking ahead to notice potential problems, walking on eggshells, a constant feeling of not being enough, not being deserving of his time or attention, coming in a poor second to his careers and working life, striving to be noticed, crying out to be heard, screaming for attention, both literally and metaphorically. A feeling of being invisible, un-noticed, dispensible, a problem, a thorn in his side and generally in the way. This is all deep grained now. The feelings run through my veins and are ingrained into my psychological being. This us not going to be a quick fix… but i still have a micro company that I am supposed to be building, which I should be working hard on, which could be bringing in an income for me, to pay the bills and put food on the table..!!
….. but I cant bring myself around to thinking in the positive way that is necessary to jolt myself out of this dark place…. I am spiralling… I am falling, and my little venture is waiting for me to land, so that I can offer it the attention that I have myself been lacking for 35 years….
🤩and there it is….
This is just another cycle…. I have to step in and make it stop…NOW. !!!
I must step up and notice the damage that I am doing to my delicate, young, sensitive infant business. My actions are the only thing that gives it the opportunity to survive, to breathe, to grow and to be successful. I am actively drawing similarities between my husband’s actions on myself and how it has made me feel and react and therefore be, and the affect that my actions have on my little business. If I continue doing what I am doing, and not pour in the love, attention, the time and the effort that a small business needs to be successful, it will never get off the ground, or go anywhere It will never be heard, it will struggle and stand dormant, its potential unmet, and its limitless possibilities left uncovered, and it will slowly disappear…..
This is a chance for me to redirect every emotion running through me into my venture.. I can see an opportunity to turn a 35 year negative into a huge positive… I can use my experience and my new found knowledge. I can turn it into the strength I need. I can use the coping mechanisms I’ve learned to ride out the inevitable storms.. I can do this, I will do this, and Rowantree Range deserves my full attention. It will be the Phoenix, rising from the flames… I am not broken, and my past struggles will be the driving force for Rowantree Range to be the success story that it deserves to be… Watch This Space… Every day really is an adventure…!!!
Next step… I’m sure there is a cement mixer hidden outside some where…. I’m off… I have a cement mixer to find…💪😎😉